"Uncle is standing near the door, frozen. His arms hang at his sides at this crazy crooked angle, and his eyes glitter like black stones. It's like the words are stuck in his mouth, and he can't get them out."
Chapter 10, Page 81 of Ask Me No Questions
I chose this quote because I dislike it. I feel like this is a moment filled with hard emotion but the author did not portray it correctly. When I read this quote I compared it to when Aisha broke down in front of the bakery. I feel both of these key moments were not identified enough by Marina Budhos, the author.
If I were to portray the same scene, here is how I would write it:
"I glance towards Uncle, leaning on the door frame. His body locked and tense, and an expression on his face so deep with fear showed me a side of Uncle I had not seen before. He is staring at the ancy young man and I can see that he is attempting to speak but the words are stuck in him like a boulder that won't budge. I want to step into his body and speak for him, but I know that even at this moment not even Aisha or Taslima would say the right thing."
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i agree with you alex. The quote was definitely not very strong. I loved how you took the situation and wrote your own quote. Your quote was very good. It showed the emotion of the situation and was written very well.
ReplyDeleteI think that you’re right, Marina could have gone into more detail of how hard it was for Uncle to speak, and how tough it was for him to realize that this could be the end...
ReplyDeleteI thought that it was an awesome idea to write out how you thought that the paragraph should have been written. The way you wrote it does seem more fitting. Great job incorporating ‘boulders’ which I think is sort of a theme, well, rocks in general.